


Skaia Garden

by marcien



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adorable, Fan Adventure, Gen, Illustrations, Kindergarten, Lusus | Lusii, Wigglers, art+fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-11-28
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2017-10-26 15:21:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marcien/pseuds/marcien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is JOHN EGBERT, and you are a KINDERGARTEN TEACHER.</p><p>(A kindergarten AU fan-adventure with <s>badly-drawn pictures</s> panels that are works of art and sometimes animated!!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. John is a schoolfeeder (1)

**Author's Note:**

> This is an archived version of an ongoing (very slowly) fan-adventure which can be found [here](http://www.mspaforums.com/showthread.php?43279-Skaia-Garden-%28Kindergarten-AU%29).

Your name is JOHN EGBERT, you are 22 years old and you are the PRANKING MASTER. Though, that is just your secondary job now. You have just finished your Diploma in EARLY CHILDHOOD EDUCATION, and your FULL-TIME JOB is being a KINDERGARTEN TEACHER. Because of your EXCEPTIONAL SKILLS AND ATTITUDE, you were posted to a TROLL KINDERGARTEN.

Today, you begin your FIRST DAY of school.

SKAIA GARDEN is one of the few kindergartens build to INTEGRATE TROLL CHILDREN in this planet called EARTH. Sharing a planet with a new alien species is always challenging, and much more so when this species is one that had ONLY KNOWN VIOLENCE through all of their lives.

While most of the adult trolls don't care much for CULTURAL SENSITIVITY and prefer to just ARGUE with humans all the time, they do not mind having their CHILDREN TROLLS schoolfed through this HOOFBEASTEXCREMENT known as EDUCATION. It is not what's happening to them, after all.

And the humans most definitely DO NOT MIND schoolfeeding little grubs to in hope that they will face less of these ARGUMENTS with the troll species in 20 years time. Arguement being a word that is an UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR/SWEEP used to describe current adult human-troll interactions.

You arrive at work half-an-hour early. You greet your colleagues and start preparing for your class, which will be made up of wigglers about TWO SWEEPS OLD. Your class is called the CLASS OF WIND AND SHADE or simply, COWAS. Today will be their first time at a kindergarten, and you hope it will be a good experience for them.

When everything is in order, you hear the DOORBELL ring. It is definitely one of your charges, because first-timers are supposed to report a good half-an-hour before the regulars, who are in the Class of Heat and Clockwork.

You hurry to the kindergarten FRONT DOOR, excited to meet the troll toddler who will be your very FIRST STUDENT.

  


* * *

> Be the Guardian of the troll with ~~extravagantly~~ colourful language.

 

You are CRABDAD and you are CRABBY tonight. You are actually crabby everynight, but the amount of crabby you feel TODAY TAKES THE CAKE, eats the cardboard box it is packaged in and digests the whole plastic bag together in gastric juice. Because tonight, is your troll's first night at school.

NO! FUCK YOU, DAD! PUT ME DOWN YOU NOOKSNIFFING QUADROPOD! I AM NOT GETTING SCHOOLFED BY HORNLESS TENDERSKINNED MONKEYS! FUCKING GRUBSUCKER! YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO BE WITH ME--

 

Would you look at that impudence? How dare he, spouting out such foul language in public? (He learnt that from you.) How dare he imply that you are a bad lusus? (You don't think he is a good troll either.) He totally doesn't understand how much you have done for him.

 

> Crabdad: Exposit on what you have done for your troll.

Sweeps ago (but not many), you come across this CANDY-RED GRUB in the Earth BROODING CAVERNS. Such a terrible colour is considered a MUTATION, and no sane lusus will ever choose him. In fact, he would be left there until a drone discovers him and CULLS HIM on the spot.

You are not a sane lusus, but a clever one. You take out your HUSKPHONE and SNAP A PICTURE of him. Then you uploaded it on TUMBLR, slapping as many TAGS on your post as you can, and YOU WAIT. Very soon, trolls and humans started a BIG ARGUMENT on whether the candy-blooded troll grub should be culled or not. When your photo reached OVER 9000 REBLOGS, you decided that it should be safe, so you carried your CANDY-RED GRUB out proudly. The JADEBLOOD MATRON looked FAIRLY DISGRUNTLED, but did not stop you. She grudgingly gave your troll his name and symbol.

Humans sure are effective!

 

> Be the squirmy wiggler.

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and tonight your CRABBY LUSUS is bringing you to a place run by INFERIOR HUMANS so he can GET RID OF YOU for the whole night while he goes off and and do whatever it is lusii do when there is no ANNOYING WIGGLERS to look after. You are in no way EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to this CRAB MONSTER CUSTODIAN. You just HATE him so much, you want to BE WITH HIM ALL NIGHT reminding him of how much of a sucker he is for picking THIS SORRY SACK OF SHIT for a troll and GRIEFING him endlessly with your EQUALLY CRABBY TEMPER.

You see a human through the glass doors of the kindergarten come and open it to greet you. Gog, you hate his derpy, smiling face. This earns him THIRD PLACE in your list of THINGS YOU HATE, the first being roe and the second the owner of the pincers grabbing you by the heels now.

hi, welcome! what's your name?  
FUCK YOU TOO, FUCKASS. THERE IS NO WAY IN THAT PLACE FILLED WITH ANGELS THAT YOU HUMANS CALL PARADISE I AM GOING INSIDE YOUR INANE ESTABLISHMENT.  
GOOD EVENING. THIS FUCKER'S NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS, AND HE IS GOING THROUGH THIS HUMAN DISEASE CALLED SEPARATION ANXIETY.  
DAD! WHAT THE IN THE BRIGHT YELLOW SUN ARE YOU SAYING. YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
ummm, sorry, i don't think i understand lusus? but hold on...

The human looks at the symbol on your shirt and at a board mounted on the wall.

hi karkat!

* * *

> Be the next to arrive.

Your name is NEPETA LEIJON and tonight will be your FIRST TIME going to school. Unlike a certain grumpy wiggler, you are VERY LOOKING FORWARD to school. Your FELINE lusus has explained to you that school will be a place where you can meet with OTHER LITTLE TROLLS like you and make LOTS OF FRIENDS. Of course she is right. Because POUNCE DE LEON is simply the CUTEST AND BESTEST lusus any troll can ask for. You will be schoolfed by ADULT HUMANS, who are NOT IN THE LEAST BIT SCARY like adult trolls are, and they will TEACH YOU GAMES, and READ YOU STORIE---

Miiiaaaaaooooorrr--!!  
MmeeeeoooowwwrrrRRRR!!!!!!!

 

 

)(---ELLO!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eheehee. I was looking and i found two other kindergarten fics. If you want more serious realistic kindergarten stuff, go read theirs.  
> \- [Children are a Blessing](http://archiveofourown.org/works/207697) by Vreee  
> \- [Kindergartenstuck](http://archiveofourown.org/works/269406) by shellebelle
> 
> I totally write/draw on some dubious substances containing high concentrations of dopamine. So it's gonna have lots of ridiculousness abound. Umm, this is my first time writing fanfiction, and i'm not very good with writing characters. If anyone goes off-character, do advise me! (You can reply in the thread, or drop at ask at my [tumblr](http://martianunicorn.tumblr.com/).)


	2. John is a schoolfeeder (2)

> Be the super excited one.

Your name is FEFERI PEIXES and you are VERY EARLY for school. It is NOT YOUR FIRST NIGHT at school, that was HALF A SWEEP AGO. However, it has indeed been ALMOST A PERIGEE since you went to school, and you CANNOT WAIT to be back. Due to the SIZE OF YOUR LUSUS, she has been instructed to BRING YOU TO SCHOOL EARLIER to prevent SCARING THE SHIT OUT OUT OF the other wigglers and their lusii.

What GL'BGOLYB did not know was the fact that FIRST-YEAR WIGGLERS would be reporting HALF-AN-HOUR EARLIER, so even though you reach school SUPER EARLY, your HORRORTERROR lusus still manages to successfully scare one (or two) wigglers and their lusii.

But you do not see WHAT IS SO SCARY about Gl'bgolyb. She is CONSIDERATE and NEVER RAISES HER VOICE ABOVE A WHISPER, even when she is upset. You know that she used to EAT LUSII before you were hatched. But now, Gl'bgolyb EATS ALIEN SPACESHIPS. It is because of her that no ALIEN INVADERS within the SOLAR SYSTEM can ever get close to Earth. She is a DEFENDER OF EARTH!

)(-EY!  
You are a new schoolfeeder! I )(ave not seen you before! Are you my teac)(er now?  
Glub glub!  
NIC---E M-E-ETING YOU!

 

Before the new schoolfeeder gets to answer you, you are picked up by A FAMILIAR PAIR OF ARMS belonging to one DONNING A PAIR OF COOL SHADES.

hey peixes  
youre here  
MIST-ER STRID--ER!  
in the flesh babe  
cmon lets go in

 

> John: Be pushed over by bundle of energy.

Your colleague had ALREADY WARNED you about his toddlers. Still, words alone are NOT ENOUGH TO PREPARE YOU for what JUST HIT YOU in the face, literally. Well, start preparing. SOMETHING WORSE IS COMING.

That's right. In the MIDST OF THE CONFUSION, it would appear that Karkat's lusus HAS ABSCONDED. Either he must have realised that a GIANT TENTACLE makes for a PERFECT DISTRACTION to leave without his troll noticing, or was truly TERRIFIED FOR HIS LIFE and decided to MAKE A RUN FOR IT. Based on how hard YOUR OWN HEART is pumping, you suspect it is the latter.

 

Uh oh.

  


* * *

==>

  
  


shall we head inside too, karkat?  
DAD?  
DAD!  
FUCK.  
DAD WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO.  
your lusus just went home for the night!  
YOU GOT LOST WITHOUT ME.  
he'll be back by daybreak to fetch you, i promise.  
GOG HOW STUPID CAN YOU GET.  
karkat, calm down!  
DAD!  
GET BACK HERE!  
FINE.  
karkat...  
WE'RE PLAYING AVOID AND AGGRIEVE NOW ARE WE.  
I'LL FIND YOU. JUST WAIT THERE. WHEN I FIND YOU I SWEAR I AM GOING TO FUCKING SLICE UP THAT SKINNY CARAPACE OF YOURS TO BE SERVE ON A PLATE AS BLACK PEPPER CRAB. IT WON'T EVEN NEED THE FUCKING SPICES, MY ANGER WOULD BE ENOUGH TO MAKE THE DISH SO SPICY THAT EVERYONE IN A KILOMETRE'S RADIUS WILL NOT STOP SNEEZING AND CHOKING THEIR BILE SACKS OUT FOR THE NEXT FIVE DAYS.

 

He is not listening to you at all, is he?

You pick him up. And he finally notices you again. He continues his squirming and struggling, which is rather useless since you are way stronger than he is.

WHH--  
FUCK YOU.  
NO, PUT ME DOWN, HUMAN.  
YOU ARE NOT MY LUSUS.  
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CARRY ME.  
FUCKING LET GO.  
karkat, i am your schoolfeeder.  
YES, AND I AM A TROLL.  
INTRODUCTIONS COMPLETE.  
NOW LET ME GO HOME.  
i can't do that, karkat!  
and we're not yet done with introductions! hi, i am john egbert.  
HEL-FUCKING-LOW, EGBERT HUMAN.  
ALL RIGHT, CAN I GO BACK TO MY HIVE NOW.  
no, you can't!  
you'll have to wait until daybreak when your lusus comes back for you.  
YOU KNOW WHAT.  
FUCK MY LUSUS.  
HE CAN WALK HIMSELF INTO ONE OF YOUR SEAFOOD RESTAURANTS AND OFFER HIMSELF UP AS THE FRIDAY NIGHT'S SPECIAL. THEN HE CAN FOREVER BE FREED FROM HIS DUTIES OF TROLL-SITTING AND LET ME--

 

He never stops shouting does he? Well, thankfully, TRICKSTER you has a solution for that.

That, by the way, an action you will regret some two hours later when Karkat's body starts reacting to the sugar in the lollipop you gave him. But for now, he stops trying to escape and attempts to grumble while licking it down voraciously. You decide to put him down on a chair at the entrance and wait for more of your toddlers to arrive.

Hopefully you will not receive any more noisy trolls or their nightmarish lusii.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this. Formatting is quite a bitch. =x I am going to cry with the way AO3 seems to be messing up my codes. And it's harder when your CSS styles don't show up in the preview.


	3. John is a schoolfeeder (3)

> John: Welcome the next troll and her scary lusus.

hi, welcome to school!  
Heeeeeeeey!  
my name is john egbert, and you are?  
Vriska Serket!  
Vriska, the human schoolfeeder looks deliiiiiiiicious.  
8ut you're already said, humans don't taste good!

Oh my, what are you hearing. Even if you cannot understand what the giant spider is saying, what her ward is saying doesn't sound good at all.

The troll sitting there with the sulky face doesn't look 8ad either.  
I suppoooooooose. If you want to!

 

You step right between the spider and Karkat, stopping her webshot in time, reeling her in and punching her several metres backwards.

nope, you're not eating anyone while i'm here!

 

The spider got on it's feet and appears to be getting ready to strike again. You are not sure you have enough mangrit left in your bar to throw her a second time. A flash of green passes your on the right. You recognised it instantly as Becquerel.

  


* * *

==>

BECQUEREL is your colleague's pet DEVILBEAST dog. Apparently, he acts as HER GUARDIAN, akin to how the trolls have strange white animals acting as theirs. You do not know why your colleague has an animal guardian so SIMILAR TO THE TROLLS' LUSII (even being solely white and all!) even though you are quite certain that your colleague IS NOT A TROLL. But the relationship between her and her ~~lusus~~ guardian is not of importance now. What is important is that Bec has placed himself BETWEEN YOU and the AGGRESSIVE SPIDER LUSUS. You acknowledge that there can never be a BEST FRIEND as fine as a GOOD DOG.

At the appearance of Bec, the spider drops her stance and retreats.

aah.  
what.  
What.  
The.  
FUCK.  
WHAT THE FUCK.  
WAS THAT.  
karkat...  
HOW THE HEAVEN.  
DID YOU.  
JUST DO THAT.

The young troll behind looks to to be all but falling apart. You can tell he is trying to do his best to not appear scared. Which means, to appear angry. You reach out a hand to pet him on his head and your other hand to hold him.

NO DON'T TOUCH ME!  
HOW DID YOU JUST.  
FUCKING TOSS.  
karkat, calm down.  
A GIANT-GRUBASS SPIDER.  
you're all right now, okay?  
ALL THE WAY ACROSS.  
hey...  
THE GOGDAMN LAWN.  
karkat.  
YOU ARE A FREAK YOU KNOW THAT.  
DAMN FUCKING FREAK OF NATURE YOU ARE.  
THEY OUGHT TO DIP YOU IN A VAT OF WHITE DYE AND CALL YOU A LUSUS TOO.  
MAKE YOU GO TO THE BROODING CAVERNS AND PICK YOUR VERY OWN VIOLENT-BLOODED PET TROLL.

He is going into one of his rants again. Barely ten minutes after meeting him, you can already tell how this kid expresses all of his distress. You are reminded of a certain coolteacher. There isn't much difference between humans and trolls on the inside after all.

 

> Be the troll of the spider lusus.

Your name is VRISKA SERKET and though you are only a little older than two sweeps old, you think have a FIRST FLUSH CRUSH on this HUMAN SCHOOLFEEDER known as John. The past couple of sweeps, you have LIVED IN FEAR OF your ARACHNOID lusus. And then this man shows up, and for the first time, someone OPPOSES HER OUTRIGHT, and ACTUALLY SUCCEEDS. (And no, your neighbour's STRONG lusus does not count.)

Now, SPIDERMOM is not a bad lusus. She tells your stories of the ONCE GLORIOUS EMPIRE of Alternia and has trained you how TO BE A WINNER of a troll. But she EATS trolls. On Earth, the humans simply would not allow that. In fact, they would very much PREFERRED TO HAVE HER CULLED. Adult trolls however, defended her, citing her as ENTERTAINING METHOD OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. Because human methods such as hanging, electric chair or lethal injection are terribly clean and BORING. Though GREATLY DISGUSTED, having no choice in troll legal matters, the humans aborted their petition.

Of course Spidermom HADN'T REALLY INTENDED to eat the candy-eating wiggler. She was JUST KIDDING. She has enough troll death-row inmates to eat. (Just enough, you add. If she ate anymore, she would get bigger in size, and that is not what you like.) If she eats any innocents, you have no doubt that the humans will send a LAUGHSASSIN or whatever is their human equivalent of that to CULL HER in broad midday. Your lusus is HOMICIDAL, not STUPID. She was merely TESTING THE COMPETENCY of whoever will be your new human schoolfeeder. She leaves when he proves more than able to PASS HER TEST. You suspect that the other reason why she left was the interruption of WOOFBEAST LUSUS, which is no longer anywhere to be seen.

 

Right now, ~~your FLUSH CRUSH~~ Mister John is coddling that weak little wiggler who did not even ATTEMPT TO ABSCOND when faced with your lusus. He is not paying you any attention. You don't think you are happy with that. At all.

  



	4. John is a schoolfeeder (4)

> Vriska: Intervene.

You cannot let the other wiggler hog all the attention from Mister John, can you? Nope.

You tug on his sleeve.

Mister Joooooooohn!  
vriska!

He pats you on your head between your horns. You like it.

wow! you have a really fierce lusus!  
Um, yes! She is the scariest lusus. The 8est ever! Th8t's why I am such a winner--

His hands circle you and he pulls you towards his chest. At first, you panic a little as you wonder if he was going to crush you in his arms because your lusus angered him.

Then you realise... this is called a hug. He is freaking hugging you. No one has ever hugged you before. It is both uncomfortable and warm. You want to control him and make him let go of you. Wait. Hugs are what people give to those they pity right? How did you just successfully flush flirt with him? You feel a strange sensation in your digestive tracks which further amplifies when Mister John releases you.

 

oh, vriska! meet your new friend! his name is karkat.  
karkat, be friends with her, all right?

Karkat glares right at you, looking incredibly dumb with the candy still in his mouth. You stare back at him and smirk, running over your lips with your tongue. You notice his symbol.

Hey wiggler. I have never met a troll with grey 8lood 8efore!!!!!!!!  
How exquis8!  
Wow. No wonder Spidermom thought that you look delicious!  
SHUT UP YOU NOOKSNIFFER.  
WIGGLER YOURSELF.  
I SEE NO REASON TO PARADE MY BLOOD COLOUR PUBLICLY LIKE YOU, PSYCHOTIC BLUEBLOOD.

Karkat looks ridiculous as he keeps on shouting with a mouth full of lollipop. He is so angry that he accidentally bites off half the lollipop, swallows it and chokes. He twists his head to face away from you while covering his protein chute with one hand. No doubt trying to prevent the real colour of his blood from showing as he bites his tongue.

Wow. He looks like shit. And pretty damn funny.

Hahahahahahahaha!

* * *

> John: Help Karkat.

jade! i need a cup of water!  
hang on, i'm coming!!

The caretaker arrives swiftly with a plastic mug and makes Karkat drink while you soothe his chest and back.

 

Trolls are extremely sassy. Or in this case, extremely idiotic. The moment Karkat could breathe, he gives Vriska a rude gesture.

Hahahahahahahaha! Laaaaaaaame.

And she starts to imitate his choking.

FUCK YOU.  
Well, fuck you too!!!!!!!!  
And your dum8 grey 8lood!  
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU SHUT UP FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCK UP!

 

> John: Intervene.

Oh no, this is not going well. You know about the trolls' weird caste system based on the colour of their blood. And you also know what is the colour of Karkat's blood from the registry handed to you from your principal. That is probably why he reacting explosively (again). Time to break this up.

vriska, karkat, stop that!  
vriska, it's fine if karkat likes his symbol rendered in grey. grey is the colour of troll skin, so... it kinda fits!  
look at me.  
i have a green symbol, and i have neither green blood nor skin.  
in fact, my blood is a bright red!  
so it's okay.

Karkat looks at you in surprise. Vriska grins at you. It is a cute (and malicious) kind of grin.

Okaaaaaaaay. I will 8e friends with Karkat!  
that's good, vriska.  
and karkat, you should stop swearing at people. it's not nice.  
HMPH.  
karkat, answer mister egbert properly.  
...  
'KAY.  
now, you two sit here, while we wait for more of your friends to come.  
Okay!!!!!!!!

Vriska obediently takes a seat on the bench beside Karkat. Karkat empties the mug and hands it back to the caretaker. He turns away from Vriska and resumes enjoying the lollipop.

You walk back to the door and pretend to be looking out, but you continue watching them from the corners of your eyes. You see Karkat giving Vriska the other half of the remaining lollipop, which she accepts. It looks like they have made up fine!

 

> Karkat: Give Vriska the rest of your lollipop.

What? No! Seriously, why on Earth would you do that. You love this lollipop. You change your mind about humans being dumb. Human sweets are the best. You are not giving up this lollipop ever. Especially not to--

...

 

Why are you handing it to the crazy bitch beside you? You do not want to do that!

She takes the candy from your hands and whispers a "thank you, low8lood" in your ears. You hate Vriska Serket. (You would add, "platonically", except that you are not at the age to quite understand the concupiscent kind of hate yet.) She is a huge bitch.

  


* * *

> Be Nepeta. Arrive at school already.

No no no you are not going to school anymore. You are going back to your cave hive to draw pictures on your wall, and play and talk with the friends you drew. Your friends on the wall are not in anyway related to horrorterror monsters and they are perfectly safe to be around with. Your lusus is being unreasonable and she does not understand and still she will not let you go let go stop trying to drag you in the direction of wherever the horrorterror tentacle had just pooped out it's angelspawn wiggler

 

> Nepeta: Explain why you are so scared.

Nepeta is not quite capable of doing that yet, so Pounce will do the honours.

 

> Pounce: Explain why Nepeta is so scared.

Clearly, the gargantuan tentacle that had passed above head earlier was the Emissary of the Horrorterrors, acting as the lusus of the famous Tyrian-blooded grub that had been hatched recently. You understand that she is the Empress-to-be, which is strange because the current Empress is still alive and practically immortal. You figure out that the humans may have something to do with it.

Immortal royalty or not, she is only a wiggler, and thus not a threat. Besides, there is no need for a lusus to be schoolfed. You assure Nepeta that there is no cause for concern.

And then, he foils your plan.

The two of you spot a crustacean lusus walking your way. His shoulders are hunched and his pincers snapping randomly. You would say that he looks irritated. It was strange for a lusus to be coming from the direction of the human estate, so you deduce that he must have just dropped his wiggler off at the schoolfeeding centre.

pounce gr33ts the crab sir a good evening!!  
WHAT.  
meow  
OH.  
I GET IT.  
YOU WERE THE ONES WHO MADE THAT HIGH PITCHED SOUND WHEN THE BULGE-LIKE TENTACLE BROUGHT ITS WIGGLER TO THE KINDERGARTEN.  
pounce is embarrassed that our cries of surpurrise had been that loud  
YEAH WELL.  
THAT'S ALL FINE. THANKS TO THAT I GOT A HEADS-UP ON ESCAPING THAT ABOMINATION.  
WHY THE FUCK IS THAT STILL ALLOWED ON THIS PLANET ANYWAY.  
WHY DON'T THE HUMANS JUST BLAST THAT CREATURE AWAY TO THE ENDS OF THE GALAXY AND RETURN IT TO ITS FAMILY OF HORRORTERRORS.  
mum, what is the crab sir saying?  
he is just complaining about the empurress-to-be's lusus  
DAMN RIGHT I AM COMPLAINING.  
THAT ONE TENTACLE IS ALREADY SO HUGE, I AM SURPRISED THAT THE ORBIT OF THIS PLANET HASN'T BEEN ALTERED BY THE SHEER EXISTENCE OF ITS SITTING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA WITH A RUMP AS WIDE AS THE ENTIRE OCEAN BED.  
hahaha!! crab sir looks funny when he is angrrry!  
I AM! THEY SAY IT DOES NOT EAT US ANYMORE. I DO NOT FUCKING BELIEVE THAT SHIT. ONCE THAT LITTLE WIGGLER GROWS UP, SHE WOULD BE HUNTING US TO FEED IT!  
pounce believes that crab sir is mewly being purranoid  
the humans s33m to have found a alternative way to f33d her  
i don't think we are at meowch danger here  
f33d?? mum, what is he mewing about? f33ding what?

The crustacean decided to communicate with your troll via sign language. He brought his pincers up above his head and exaggeratedly snapped at his own face, and then at yours, all while making "NOM NOM NOM" sounds.

Nepeta got his message.

You remind yourself, that if you ever meet this crabby lusus again, you will show him how competent you are at your namesake, rip him to shreds and make his blood a part of your troll's art supplies.

 

==>

Nepeta twists herself free of you again. (You are secretly proud of her agility. You know that she will make a good huntress.) She runs. Does she even know the way back? You sigh.

 

Ouch.

It looks she has ran into... a chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this ends the formatting for AO3 spree! From now, expect an update every two/three/four weeks. See, I mean it when I say slow.


	5. John is a schoolfeeder (5)

> Be the lonely seadweller wiggler.

Who's lonely? Definitely not you. You are ERIDAN AMPORA, an ARISTOCRATIC SEADWELLER, a ROYALBLOOD, and you have no lack of friends. It is just that LIVING ON A SHIP has made it hard for you to MEET PEOPLE, and those that you do meet are just TOO BASHFUL to continue their friendship with someone of your SUPERIOR STATUS. (You know because that is what your dad tells you.) That is why the ONLY ONE WHO BEFRIENDS YOU is the one whose blood is of a HIGHER HUE than you.

Tonight, you can finally JOIN HER at the SCHOOLFEEDING CENTRE. You will defend her from all of her FILTHY LANDWELLER CLASSMATES and inform them of their shortcomings when compared to the two of you.

You arrive riding on your SKYHORSE lusus, back towards the setting sun. You think that it makes you LOOK BADASS. You hope this DRAMATIC ENTRY establishes your blood and species' SUPERIORITY in the eyes of your human schoolfeeder and new classmates.

oh! a seadweller! you must be eridan ampora.  
hi!  
i am your schoolfeeder, i'm john egbert!

 

He reaches out to your waist and carries you off your lusus' back. It must be his show of respect towards royalty.

hold on for a bit, eridan.  
you'll be comfortable soon.

 

He tugs out a trolley. REMOVES your SCARF and...

You do not feel badass.

wwhat the glub are you doin  
wwhy am i in a fish tank  
there's another seadweller here! she's in the second year.  
she couldn't walk when she first came here, so dave put her in water and had her wheeled around.  
since i knew that i would have a seadweller too, i prepared this!  
that wwas not needed!  
i can wwalk just fin!  
dad!

SKYHORSEDAD floats over to pick you out of the tank. Unlike many other sea-bound lusii, he CAN FLY. Certainly all aquatic lusii are superior, but yours is the most regal. He would always GIVE YOU RIDES on him, bringing you to explore LAND. This may be the reason why you are MORE COMFORTABLE ON LAND then underwater, though you WILL NOT ADMIT THAT due to your seadweller pride. (That may also be the reason why you don't get along with the other seadwellers.)

fuck you  
noww my clothes are all wwet  
umm. i'm sorry about that, eridan!  
i should have asked first.  
sorry!  
i hate you  
Noooooooo, I like Mister John! You can't hate him!

 

What is this bitch interrupting you for? She is stupid. And that human is stupid. This place is stupid. Everybody here is stupid.

  


* * *

> Eridan: Bicker with Vriska. (And Karkat.)

wwhats this to do wwith you  
i havve a issue wwith the human  
this is none a your businase  
It's my 8usiness, fin-face!  
Mister John is my... schoolfeeder, and I can't have you do anything to him!  
wwell hes mine too  
an hes a adult he doesnt need you sticking your trout out for him  
No, he doesn't.  
He 8eat my Mum in a fight!  
That means he can easily 8eat you too, loser.  
wait, vriska, i don't --  
You should 8e thanking me! I savvvvvvvved your sorry gilled butt!  
hey! don't make me out to be some sort of --  
your lusus is the loser here  
letting a human boat her like some lowwblooded lusii  
My lusus is a 8lue8looded humongous 8uilding-tall giant spider!  
If you'd seen her, you'll shit in your pants like that grey8lood did just now!

WHAT!  
NO.  
I SO DID NOT.  
huh  
grey  
FUCK YOU.  
karkat, what did i say about...  
Your lusus is 8arely enough to 8e a midnight snack for my lusus!  
vriska...!  
my dad can fly, an that is betta than anything your landdwelling lusii can do  
your grounded spider can only sit on the ground an stare in worship  
eridan --  
In case your watery 8rain didn't make the connection, spiders can shoot we8s!  
Spidermom can shoot your flying seahorse lusus out of the sky anytime.  
skyhorsedad can shoot magic beams an krill your creepycrawlie lusus  
MY GOG, YOU TWO ARE ANNOYING.  
Your low8looded lusus won't last three seconds --  
your gutterblood lusus isnt -  
\-- against my Spidermom.  
\- even on the glubbin hemospectrum  
LEAVE MY CRABDAD ALONE!

 

> Skyhorsedad: Bemoan wigglers' bickering.

Yes, that is what you are doing now. While it is fine that your troll is putting the landdwellers in their place, he should have known that squabbling with them is really beneath his status. What kind of royalty behaves that childishly? But you cannot help but find it endearing that Eridan thinks so highly of you and is willing to put aside his dignity to educate his peers about your nobility. The boy can be quite sweet sometimes.

 

> John: Stop this fight.

You have tried! And failed. (You need to try harder.)

Spidermom can shoot your flying seahorse lusus out of the sky anytime.  
skyhorsedad can shoot magic beams and krill your creepycrawlie lusus

 

You have no idea how this ended up as one of those "my dad/mum is cooler than yours" arguments that always happens in movies.

LEAVE MY CRABDAD ALONE!

Karkat jumps up with his hands curled into little fists. Eridan reacts with his own lunging forward. Oh no, gotta grab both of them before someone gets hurt.

GLLUUUUUUBBB!!!

\------ERIDAN!!!!!  
Glub! Glub glub! Glub glub GLUB GLUB GLUB!!

* * *

> Eridan: Greet Feferi.

You are about to hit the nubby-horned troll when you are interrupted by the arm of John Egbert and the voice of Feferi. You are not too happy about the former, but the latter...

fef!!  
hi  
glub!  
glub glub glu-

What is she...?! And why is she in that big goldfish bowl? Wearing duck feet! With a snorkel! Who dressed her up like that??!!! (It is obvious: Her schoolfeeder did it to be ironic.)

Welcome to sc)(ool, --ERIDAN!!  
Let's )(ave fun )(ere!  
ill glubbin try  
)(-ELLO, new friends!!  
I am Feferi Peixes, the ---Empress-to-be!  
wow, a princess!  
this is my first time meeting one, i'm john egbert!  
Heeeeeeeey!  
O)()(!! You are the new sc)(oolfeeder!  
I'm Vriska!  
and this is karkat!  
Glub!  
)(I VRISKA!  
)(I KARKRAB!  
WHAT DID YOU JUST CA--  
)(I, MIST-ER --EG-BERT!  
Please take care of -Eridan!!  
of course i will!  
oh, umm... dave, eridan needs to get dry clothes...  
sure thing egbert  
well swap fishtrolls  
can see why youd prefer the princess  
girls sweet and charming  
oozing with the spillover strider charisma  
cmon now ampora  
see if youll be able to absorb some cool  
before you get soaked in derp  
hey!

The other human leads you away to another room. You do not quite get half of what he is saying, except that his last sentence is probably a jab at your schoolfeeder. You think you approve of it. Then you remind yourself that this is the same human who put Feferi in the strange gear and you start to worry.

 

> Be John.

You are so glad that your colleague showed up. You are so glad Feferi is a sweet and charming little troll who is friends with Eridan. You hate to think about what would happen if a fight broke out on account of a mistake you made. Now that Dave has taken Eridan away, the situation has diffused. The flying seahorse lusus leaves. Vriska and Feferi are chattering away, with Karkat inserting a word or sentence once a while. (Both girls are talkative, so you feel a bit sorry for Karkat.)

You leave the children to their conversation and await the next incoming wiggler and lusus.

 

Okay, wigglers and lusii.


	6. John is a schoolfeeder (6)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and this chapter marks the end of act1!! *dances happily*

> Be the wiggler with hetero-chromatic eyes.

Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR and this evening, you are going to the HUMAN SCHOOLFEEDING CENTRE with your lusus. No, your BICYCLOPSDAD is not bringing you to school, he is FOLLOWING YOU to school. You see, you are a VERY SMART wiggler for your age. And you are MORE THAN CAPABLE of getting to school by yourself, guided by the map on your TRUSTY HUSKTAB. You tell your Bicyclopsdad that, but he DOES NOT GET IT and insists on "BRIINGIING YOU TWO THKOOL" because "LUTHUTH ARE THUPPOFE TWO DO THAT", so you just let him CARRY YOU to school.

dad. do you even know your way back to the hiive2tem from here.  
...  
NO.  
2hiit then. what were you planniing two do after droppiing me off?  
II WIILL WAIIT FOR YOU TWO BE DONE. THEN WE GO BACK TWOGETHER.  
oh fuck, do you even know when that wiill be?  
fuckiing 2unrii2e, dad.  
IITH THAT A VERY LONG TIME?  
iit2 TWELVE hour2.  
II CAN WAIIT.  
dad, you are goiing to 2iit out2iide on the lawn riing for HALF A NIIGHT.  
WHAT IITH WRONG WIITH THAT?

Unlike you, your dad is NOT VERY BRIGHT.

You are OKAY WITH THAT though. This just means that Bicyclopsdad will always be within your SHOUTING DISTANCE. The thought of having your lusus near you even as you are AWAY FROM YOUR HIVE comforts you. You love your dad.

 

> Be Bicyclopsdad some minutes later.

The hornless schoolfeeder looks nice, and he is friendly to you and Sollux. You find a spot near the fence and sit down to wait. You are about to doze off from having to wake up so early, but someone is speaking to you.

Are you going to Be sitting there the Whole Night?  
Why are You not heading Back to your Hive?  
II DONT KNOW MY WAY BACK.  
Where do You live?  
I think I can lead you Back.  
THEN II WONT KNOW HOW TWO COME BACK HERE TWO PIICK THOLLUKTH HOME.  
I can go To your hive later And we can come here together To bring our wigglers Back.  
OH. OKAY. WHY NOT.  
THANK YOU.

And you follow the nice Virgin Mother Grub as she leads you back to your hivestem. You are kind of hungry. You should go back for more mind honey. You hope she will help you open the honeyjar, because you tend to make a mess when you open it by yourself.

  


* * *

> Be the extraordinarily well-dressed wiggler.

Your name is KANAYA MARYAM, and indeed, you think that you are VERY FASHIONABLE compared to the other wigglers. While other wigglers spend their time strifing with their lusii, your lusus, a VIRGIN MOTHER GRUB, is far more GRACEFUL than that, and you have the time to OBSERVE HUMANS and their FASHION DESIGNS. Why trolls had never learnt STYLE from humans, you do not understand. Because humans simply have such GORGEOUS APPAREL. Trolls' fashion sense is HORRIBLE.

As a JADEBLOOD troll, you are expected to become the next MATRON of the BROODING CAVERNS. You think that your FIRST PROJECT would be to EDUCATE TAILOR DRONES in how to make tops that are NOT t-shirts for all future wigglers.

 

==>

You greet the human schoolfeeder as he introduces himself. He then shows your to the other wigglers who are your new classmates. Your schoolfeeder's name is John Egbert, and he is cheerful and friendly. Your lusus seems to think that he is a dependable human.

The other troll who arrived with you is Sollux Captor, and he speaks with a lisp. Karkat Vantas is an angry little troll whose face is permanently fixed at a frown. He does not seem pleased about how you and your new friends are chattering. Vriska Serket is a pretty blueblood with long hair. You think she would look lovely in a dress. Heiress Feferi Peixes is bubbly and lovely, and definitely has a regal air to her. Even though... you do not know what the heck she is wearing and why she is in a transparent circular liquid holder.

  


* * *

> Sollux: Be ornery about your lusus leaving.

Oh gog no. Who does that lusus think she is? Who allowed her to replace you as Bicyclops' Google Latitude? Now you are officially stranded in an establishment ran by humans and filled with idiots. (You discount the fact that your dad is also an idiot: at least, he is your idiot.) The Egbert schoolfeeder is saying something but you refuse to pay him any heed. Maybe if you keep staring at the glowing blue-red dot on the map moving towards your hivestem, you can ignore the fact that the other blue-red dot is stationery at the pin labeled "Skaia Garden".

You pout when tan-coloured fingers drag the screen down from your line of sight.

sollux! come on, you should keep away your tablet and meet your new friends.

You try to tug it away, but the human's grip is quite strong. You hiss at him through your teeth.

sollux, please put it away. or i will have to keep it for you.

You cannot turn away either, because his other hand is on your shoulder. Your eyes flash in warning.

Ooooooooh, it looks like we have a low8lood psychic here! 8e careful, Mister John, he's dangerous!  
SHUT UP, BITCH. YOU ARE THE ONE WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL OF HERE, YOU'RE DANGEROUS!  
BUT SERIOUSLY, DORK-FACE, YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THAT HUMAN.  
HE HAS THE STRENGTH OF A FUCKING MUSCLEBEAST.  
2hut up. you're loud and annoyiing.  
karkat, stop using such vulgar language!!  
vriska, in this kindergarten, the hemospectrum doesn't matter. so i don't want to hear any more "lowblood" comments, all right?  
(YOUR VOICE SOUNDS STUPID, ASSHOLE.)  
(your horn2 look 2tupiid, douchebag.)  
Okay! I won't do it again. Tell that to the fish 8oy too!  
yes, i will tell eridan that as well.  
and karkat! i heard that.  
now, sollux, will you keep your tablet?

 

You refuse to give in. You attempt to wrest your husktab out of his hand with your psionics. But someone else beat you to it.

rose?  
Good evening, dear wigglers. I am Rose Lalonde, your principal. That means that I am the one in-charge here. You may address me as Miss Lalonde.  
Glub! Good evening!!!  
I'm afraid I will have to take this from you, Mister Captor. You will have it back when your lusus comes for you at sunrise.  
no way. hand iit back.  
I hope that everyone will put on your best behavior from now.  
2hiit.  
I'm really looking forward to have you see the reason why all of the humans here...  
giive iit back to me!  
... are fully capable of dealing with a dozen trolls and their lusii.  
giive it to me giive me giimme giimme giive...

You start to float a little, sparks lining up your eyes. But the weight on your shoulder pushes you back to ground. The male schoolfeeder pulls you aside to talk in a hushed tone.

sollux, sollux, calm down.  
let's work out something...  
we can be in cahoots!  
cahoot2?  
yes, that's right. see, i am going to get your tablet back from the principal.  
but i can't let her know that!  
so when i give it back to you, you have to promise me to hide it! don't let rose see that you've got it okay?  
ye2.  
if she knows i stole it back, i will be in trouble! BIG trouble!  
ii wiill hiide iit well iin my canva2 iinventory carriier.  
great! now we seal our deal.  
?  
here, this. it's called a high-five.

okay. cahoot2.  
cahoots!

* * *

> Kanaya: Admire the principal.

Did she say she was the one in-charge here? No wonder. She is one of the classiest, loveliest lady you have set your eyes on, troll or human. With your pretty classmate Vriska and your principal, you think that you will be very happy being schooled here for the next few perigees.

 

> Eridan: Admire the principal.

You do not know how he did it, but shortly after Mister Strider left you in the hallway wrapped in towels and disappeared into the laundry room with your clothes, he comes out with them, completely dry. Human sorcery.

When you had gotten dressed, you return to see a female human levitating something with a white glow coming from a stick in her hand. A wand? This human is a magician? Glub.

You hope magic is part of the schoolfeeding syllabus.

  


* * *

> John: Start class!

But you are still waiting for one more wiggler!

If it is Nepeta Leijon you are concerned about, you don't have to be. She is in safe hands, or should I say, paws. She has merely taken a detour and will be late.  
oh, okay then!

 

How does Rose know such things? Maybe they have something to do with her being a wizard or something.

all right, sollux, karkat, vriska, kanaya, eridan...  
i'm mister egbert, and i am your teacher, or in your words, a schoolfeeder!  
i look forward to the semester ahead with you.  
now, follow me!  
♩♫ ready, ready for the big ride, baby! ♫♪  
(WHAT THE FUCK IS HE SINGING.)  
(Sh8t up, Karkat! He sounds nice!)  
(wwhy are you gettin so defensivve its not as if hes a quadrant a yours)  
(Please Stop This Squabbling Now And Just Follow Mister Egbert)  
Sea you all later!!  
(thii2 ii2 2tupiid.)

* * *

> Be the chair.

You are a CHAIR. You are carried by a pair of STRONG arms. A wiggler had just CRASHED INTO you, but it DOES NOT BOTHER you. Because you are an INANIMATE chair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bicyclops' quirk: i figured out he'll speak loudly because he is big and has two mouths, thus the caps.  
> mothergrub's quirk: she seems to speak like rose [here](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=004289) so i decide to use a hybrid of rose and kanaya's quirk for her. have her punctuate her sentences properly, while emphasizing only certain words (instead of every word like kanaya does).  
> eridan is cosplaying as an exile due to the [update](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=006280) on the day i drew that.


	7. Extra 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an omake, or extra. because the readers on the FA thread asked for some worldbuilding before moving on.

[Act 1 Extra] Art

[](http://martianunicorn.tumblr.com/post/13761277536)

watch that foot pyrope  
you dont want yellow toenail obscuring screen to become the cause of a dead dave  
and megido  
when i want to have my ears cleaned out with pointy keratin i will inform you

 

* * *

[Act 1 Extra] Jade: Provide exposition.

Of course you can do that. Who better than the WITCH OF SPACE to BREAK THE FOURTH WALL? Wait, what fourth wall? You is just THINKING ALOUD to yourself, that's all.

You are JADE HARLEY and your job here is the CARETAKER, but actually, you are the BOSS. It is you. But you are NOT REALLY GOOD in things like MANAGEMENT, DIPLOMACY and SYLLABUS-PLANNING, so you asked your friend to be the Principal.

Even though you are TRAINED IN MARKSMANSHIP and have participated in human-troll conflicts, (or maybe because of that,) you believe that human and trolls CAN BE FRIENDS. You understand that the mindset that has been ingrained in troll culture for centuries is not EASILY CHANGED, so you decide to START FROM THE YOUNG ONES. So you invested in a land in between a human town and troll town, and made it a KINDERGARTEN.

You select a batch of twelve trolls from ALL OVER THE HEMOSPECTRUM as your FIRST BATCH of students. Due to lack of manpower (as capable as they are, Rose and Dave can't deal with twelve trolls!), you take in six with the MOST PLIANT (or in some cases, absent) LUSII first. (It is a good decision, because sometimes, adult trolls would come by to disturb you, and two of you can fend them off while one looks after the kids.) When John could finally start working here, you take in the remaining six trolls.

 

[Act 1 Extra] Jade: Tell us about this land.

The trolls that attend your kindergarten live in LITTLE ALTERNIA. It is an area that serves as a (relatively) safe place for young trolls. No troll above the age of NINE SWEEPS can enter. If the threat of being MAULED BY RESIDENT LUSII does not stop them, the ARMED HUMAN POLICE nearby will.

The trolls there are cared for by their lusii. There are fewer lusii on Earth than Alternia, so once a troll reaches adulthood, their lusii will leave them and find themselves another grub from the brooding caverns if they want.

And here it is! A map of the area.

 

Aradia and Tavros live in the lowblood settlement area near the beach. The droids don't bother much with the houses there, so they are often in disrepair and under the weather a lot.

Sollux lives in the communal hivestems for lowbloods. It is a lot more comfortable then being near the beach, and droids take better care of the buildings there. It however, tends to be more crowded, and lusii fights break out often.

Karkat lives isolated on a lawnring. His lusus builds their hive out of scraps from the nearby midblood neighbourhood.

Nepeta does not live in a hive at all, but in a small cave by a hill.

Kanaya lives in a hive near the brooding caverns.

Terezi lives in a treehive in a forest.

Vriska and Equius are neighbours in the highblood neighbourhood.

Gamzee lives by the sea. Being an indigo-blood, he has a better built house than the lowbloods. One that does not threaten to collapse every time a particularly strong wind blows.

Eridan lives on an abandoned ship near a small island in the sea.

Feferi lives with her horrorterror lusus in the depths of the ocean. She probably has to travel more than a dozens kilometres to school, via tentacle shuttle.

Rose, Dave and John all live in the human town. (Rose drives to work, Dave rides a scooter, and John cycles.) You live together with Becquerel in the kindergarten itself! The third floor of the building is all yours.

 

[Act 1 Extra] ==>

There are scratching sounds at the door. Hmm? That is unusual.

  


H3H3H3H3H3 GOOD 3V3N1NG M1SS H4RL3Y.  
WH3R3 1S TH3 COOLT34CH3R?  
oh! hi terezi!!! why are you at the back door...  
did dave buy you that dress???!!  
Y3S!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i totally forgot to put this one up here. because, formatting. do not like.
> 
> (edit: yes, i totally hate formatting)


	8. Dave is a coolteacher (1)

> Be the walking eyesore.

You are TEREZI PYROPE and you are EXCEPTIONALLY HAPPY this evening. You have not been to school for ALMOST A PERIGEE and boy do you MISS SCHOOL. More significantly, BOY DO YOU MISS YOUR DELICIOUS COOLTEACHER. This is the night you will finally GET THE DROP ON HIM and lick his LEGENDARY SWEET RED CHERRY EYES. You even have the MOST PERFECT PLAN:

1\. Sn34k1ly 4rr1v3 through th3 b4ck door 4nd jump on coolt34ch3r.  
2\. R3mov3 h1s d4rk 3y3 sh13lds.  
3\. ????  
4\. ~~PROF1T~~ L1CK!!!!

 

[Flashback] Terezi: Tell us how you got that dress.

On the first night of the school holidays, you showed up at school anyway. Miss Harley fed you some snacks (Trix!) and walked you back to your treehive. Two hours later, you are back at school. This time, Miss Harley made Becquerel take you back home. Another one-and-a-half hour later, you are back at school but Miss Harley is asleep.

Well shit. You remember that Mister Coolteacher says she has something which sounds like "nakkodilepsy" which makes her hard to wake up when asleep. So you walk into the human town, ignoring your lusus' protests of "no Tere2i! 1et's go 6ack home now! hey! heeeeeeeyyyyyyy!" (she stopped badgering you after a while). After wandering around the human town long enough (with many stares from the other humans), you find what you are looking for. It is the coolscooter parked outside a building with coolsounds coming from it.

You try to enter the building but the adult human boy at the door will not let you. You politely tell him that you are looking for the coolteacher who is the owner of the coolscooter. The adult human boy makes you wait outside while he goes in. A minute later the coolsounds stop and you are dissappointed, because you kind of like those sounds. Then Mister Coolteacher comes out and you try to lick his face but he stops you with a noogie instead.

do you know what time is it  
troll or human brats shouldnt be out especially not in this part of town  
BUT 1 W4NT TO GO TO SCHOOL.  
pyrope its holidays no one goes to school on holidays  
unless youre a university student but youre not old enough to be one yet  
TH3N HOW DO 1 G3T TO S33 YOU?

You smell his earlier scent of anger dissipating into a scent that is not unlike Pyralspite's when you are in your treehive.

He puts you and Pyralspite on his scooter and rides you back to Little Alternia. He made you promise to never go into the human town at night again, and you asked for a human date in exchange. He agrees.

 

[Flashback] ==>

And that is how you got your human date on the second evening of school holidays. (You leave Pyralspite at the treehive this time. Because jegus, who brings their lusii along for a date?) He gives you a ride around the human town until you see a very colourful and wonderful-smelling building. Mister Coolteacher calls it a "mall". You insist on entering, so he parks his coolscooter and the two of you enter.

And wow, the inside of the mall was every bit as promising as the outside. So many colours everywhere! Lots of white, some black, but mostly other colours like red, orange, blue, pink, green, purple... You just want to lick everything! But Mister Coolteacher does not release his grip on your collar (or let you take off your shirt) so you cannot. ("woah pyrope sorry cant let you colourgasm all over the mall with your alien drool getting so many wtf faces already for bringing a troll kid here the moment i let you go id collect enough to compete with all of 9gag")

Then you ignore whatever else he is saying because, dang, you just spotted the most beautiful long shirt in the world. ("no pyrope thats what you call a dress") It is your teal colour with RED! CHERRY! prints all over it and CHERRYRED! sleeves. You squealed a squeal so high in pitch that it must have sounded like the cry of a freshly hatched baby dragon.

Mister Coolteacher considered the card-sign above the ~~long shirt~~ dress and tells you that he can buy it for you. If you promise to stay in Little Alternia and listen to your lusus for the the rest of the holidays. You agree immediately. You love the dress that much.

 

* * *

> Be Pyralspite.

You are now PYRALSPITE. You are a WHITE SCALEMATE. There is nothing much for you to do but be hugged and squeezed in Terezi's arms.

 

> Um, okay...? Let's be Terezi's lusus.

You are DRAGONMOM. Contrary to what Terezi may believe in, you are NOT THE PLUSH SCALEMATE named Pyralspite. You are an UNHATCHED DRAGON LUSUS. In other words, you are AN EGG. Your species does not hatch till puberty, and even after you hatch, will be BLIND until you have reached adulthood. But that does not mean you cannot COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR TROLL. Dragon lusii are PSYCHIC and you are still able to speak to Terezi TELEPATHICALLY.

Because Terezi is still young, she mistakes YOUR VOICE IN HER HEAD to be coming from her scalemate and therefore, THINKS THAT SCALEMATE IS YOU. (It does not help that your voice is squeaky like the sounds coming from the scalemate.) You think that IT IS FUNNY, and CUTE that she has such an ACTIVE IMAGINATION. You look forward to HAVING A GOOD LAUGH ("heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee") at her when you HATCH a few sweeps later. For now, you will let her think as she likes.

Your telepathic link with her is AFFECTED BY DISTANCE. If Terezi travels too far (such as into the human town), you would be UNABLE TO MAINTAIN that TELEPATHIC LINK. You are glad that the "cool" human schoolfeeder is smart enough to know that and tell Terezi to stay near you. You also think it is nice how all the other humans also PLAY ALONG with Terezi in treating Pyralspite as you.

 

* * *

> Terezi: Enact ~~nefarious~~ righteous eyeball-licking scheme.

Indeed! It is a crime to own such a delicious set of eyeballs and hide them behind a dark shield!

 

==>

 

==>

As always, you fail at Step 2. Pyralspite is laughing at you.

heeheeheeheeheeheehee  
there's no way you'11 6e a61e to get the jump on him tere2i!  
the coo1teacher is 1ike a human 1aughsassin  
it's impossi61e to catch one of those unaware!  
1F 1 TRY ENOUGH T1M3S, ONE OF TH3S3 D4YS 1 M1GHT G3T LUCKY.  
nope  
1uck doesn't matter here!  
not gonna happen  
luck doesnt matter

 

dave!!!!!  
dont actually use your strife specibus on the her!  
and put her down!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow, so okay, we've reached nearly a hundred kudos. where are you readers coming from? i'm pretty happy about it, it's a nice surprise. have no idea that this FA would be that well-read.
> 
> if it is okay with you, do leave a comment here or [in the forum thread](http://mspaforums.com/showthread.php?43279-Skaia-Garden-%28Kindergarten-AU%29/page16) or [at my tumblr](http://martianunicorn.tumblr.com/)? i would like to know what i am doing right instead of plain self-amusement of me laughing at kids. i also would like to talk to people =))


	9. Dave is a coolteacher (2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> epilepsy warning somewhere at the middle-end.
> 
> at the snailpoke pace in which i update this, i think the first schoolday will take 2 meta years. > _ <

> Let's be Nepeta.

Nepeta is kind of... confused... now. But we do not want to be confused, we want to see what is going on.

How about the next closest wiggler?

> Be the next wiggler closest in proximity to Nepeta.

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK. You are ON YOUR WAY TO SCHOOL. You DO NOT ACTUALLY LIKE school, but you have to because it was something earlier AGREED UPON BY YOUR LUSUS, and a NOBLE MUSCLEBEAST always keeps his word. You will be a good troll that he would BE PROUD OF, so you go to school in order to let him HONOUR HIS WORD.

The name of your EQUININE LUSUS is AURTHOUR, and he is a MUSCLEBEAST. Their GLORIOUS SPECIES are the STRONGEST LUSII of all LUSII, and it is therefore natural that Aurthour would pick a BLUEBLOODED wiggler as yourself to be his troll.

> Equius: Exposit as to why your backpack is a table.

What are you talking about? Your backpack is a backpack.

Just because Aurthour is the one carrying your backpack does not mean your backpack stops being a backpack. The audience must have meant to ask "Why are you carrying a table on your back".

[Flashback] Why are you carrying a table on your back?

... ...

Since the ACCIDENTS that happened on your first day of school a season ago, your schoolfeeder Mister Strider banned you from using any of the school equipment. So you have to bring your own. You brought your table and chair back home during the school break, and now you have to bring them to school again. (By the way, your backpack contains your own stationery and utensils.)

* * *

==>

... ...

mi-mii33ww... mm3333ooooorrrhhh!!  
waaaaaahhhh!  
nepeta!!  
m333ooowwwwww!!!  


miii33ooooo-aaaaahhh!!!!  
mmaaaaaahhhhh!!!!  
w3333aaahhhhhh!!!!!  
mmm3333ooo--  
What  
What is this  
mww3333hhhhh--!!!  
Lowb100d  
aaaa333hhh---  
You'll cease that 100dicrous bawling now  
ww33333hhhh----  
Quiet  
waaahh333wwww--  
Stop  
Stop  
Stop stop stop stop-  
Equius.  


> Be Aurthour.

You take the STRONG CHAIR from your STRONG TROLL's arms and put it down. No matter how STRONG the chair is, you think it will still risk BREAKING if Equius is that agitated. Your action seems to have distracted him from the small girl troll's crying.

That is not how you make a girl stop crying.  


You take out a bottle from the backpack.

My apologies for my troll's rudeness Madam.  


Please a%cept this bottle of 100% natural musclebeast milk.  
I hope that this will make your troll feel e%ponentially better.  
look, nepeta!  
dont cry anymore  
the good musclebeast gentleman is offering you some milk  
But  
That is mine  


The cat lusus growled and glowers at Equius. You put your hand on his shoulder to tell him to keep quiet (and also to remind the other lusus not to threaten _your_ troll). She backs away and prods her troll forward gently.

  


> Equius: Be in awe of your lusus.

This is... E%traordinary. Aurthour was able to subjugate a crying wiggler and make her behave herself with a bottle of milk. You are ashamed of your earlier impatience. You should learn to walk in his hoofsteps.

> Equius: Be the Gentleman.

Ahem  
Lowb100d  
Would you join me on my journey to the sch001feeding centre  
You may sit on the chair if you want to  


that is fine  
nepeta is actually really strong!  
she thanks the nice musclebeast and blue troll for the milk and offer  
but she will not go to school, beclaws there is a big horrorterror there  
You must be refering to Feferi's lusus  
You will be fine  
The lusus lives in the sea, and she does not go to school  
The humans do not allow lusii to join in the schoolfeeding  
really?  
then i will be safe?  
Yes  
You will be  
I have been going to school for half a sweep  
And I am still all right  
  
he is right, nepeta  
school is a fun place!  
let's go there now, shall we?  
ok!!  


i am nepeta leijon, and this is my lusus, pounce de leon!  
how about you?  
Equius Zahhak  
My lusus is Aurthour  
meow  
is equius nepeta's friend now?  
  
  
Yes, you are, Equius  
  
Yes  
I will be your friend  


* * *

==>

Meanwhile, the principal sees a frog flying pass her window from her office on the second floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in my headcanon, Aurthour is hammy.


	10. Dave is a coolteacher (3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been a long long while hasn't it. almost a year.

Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and you are a SCHOOLFEEDER at a TROLL KINDERGARTEN. Or as one of your students will say, the COOLTEACHER. As adorabadass as your title sounds, you actually have one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.

You see, in just within the FIRST THIRTY MINUTES of your working night, you have already faced a few threats to your COOLNESS. You were one corridor away from being TENTACLEGLOMPED to the ground (Rose may appreciate that, but you are not a fan of those), one flashstep away from having your JEWELS (eyes) TONGUEGROPED...

And you are now one step away from unironically KISSING A FROG.

 

> Be the one behind the frog.

Your name is ARADIA MEGIDO and you are an ARCHAEOLOGIST-INTERN. Over your semester break, you have UNCOVERED the SECRETS OF THE PEBBLES. You DISCOVERED that there is where EARTH FROGS can be found at the RIVER. Now that the term has started, you are ready to PRESENT YOUR FINDINGS (the frog) to your PROFESSOR (schoolfeeder).

 

* * *

> Dave: Kiss...? That is still too soon! You will date her first.

Forget "Skaia Garden", this school is now called "St. Froggynation's Institute".

When presented with a possible romance option, one does not simply kiss immediately. You will first give her a warm handshake, or a cordial fist bump. Meet her up a few times, exchange furtive glances. When you have gained enough invisible affection points with the frog, on a good night out by the riverbanks, one of you will finally confess. And then, if the frog has been a sweet lady so far, you will give her a peck in between her eyes, and see if she will turn into a princess.

... ...

You have a feeling that all of the irony of running through the events of "Kaeruful Girlfriend" inside your mind will be lost on Aradia and the readers. Besides, going any further will be encroaching on [Heartstuck's](http://mspfanventures.com/?s=518) territory.

 

* * *

> Dave: Counter almost-uncoolness with a fist bump.

hey there new buddy  
whered you come from  
i picked it fr0m the river!  
thats not what i hear  
froggy here says shes really from all the way across the milky way  
y0u are lyi-  
h0w did fr0ggy get t0 the earth river then?

 

> Aradia: Be (almost-)immune to Dave's bullsh- bullpoop.

You have been in Mister Dave's class enough to know that he always says many things that are not true. He likes to make up stories a lot! Sometimes you do not understand him. But most times you kind of like that: it is like roleplaying, and you like larping. It is fun to have a schoolfeeder who larps with you!

she says shes a species of frogs called genesis frogs  
they make planets or something  
this one is on a research mission  
research?  
you see, earth is a pretty sweet planet  
them frogs got together in a council and decided "woah we want to make flipping wonderful planet like that too"  
so she and some four hundred others were sent here  
to take a look see around  
ah  
seems like a pretty imp0rtant missi0n!  
yeah it is we can do froggy a favour by letting her observe our school  
that s0unds c00l!  
then after that youre gonna have to return her to the river  
so she can report her findings to her supes  
0f c0urse  
it will be bad if fr0ggy c0uldnt d0 her j0b w0nt it?

Amazing. This frog is something like an archaeologist too! A researcher frog! You feel like you have met a kindred spirit.

 

> Aradia and frog: Be buddies.

ribbit  
ribbit  
ribbit?  
ribbit ribbit  
ribbit ribbit ribbit!  
ribbit

You have no idea what the frog or Mister Dave is saying, or what you are saying. But it seems like she understands!

Mister Dave calls for Miss Jade and goes into the building. He comes out with a transparent water holder and indicates that you put the frog in it.

ribbit ribbit?

The frog does not respond. You put her into the water holder.

ribbit

Mister Dave sure knows his stuff. The frog seems happy in the water.

ribbit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those who have no idea what the kaeruful girlfriend thing is about: check out "Hatoful Boyfriend" at the risk of your sanity.


	11. Dave is a coolteacher (4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been two years omg. being a working adult is tough. amusingly, i now work as a special educator.

> Not-sudden perspective switch.

You are now CRABDAD. You are now doing whatever it is lusii do when they have GOTTEN RID of the ANNOYING WIGGLERS that they have to look after. Which is to have a CHILL NIGHT OUT doing NOTHING at all. Life without a wiggler feels strangely liberating and carefree... (It seemed only moments ago that he was just a ~~cute~~ less noisy little grub.)

What are you talking about. It hasn't been an hour and you MISS THAT LITTLE FUCKER ALREADY. If it was not for the appearance of the HORRORTERROR LUSUS at the schoolfeeding centre, you may have been lurking around the building to see how Karkat is doing. Unfortunately, since you have already absconded the heck out of there, your pride won't allow you to return.

So you are now heading for the beach to bathe in the seawater to COOL YOUR HEAD enough to do nothing until Karkat's human schoolfeeding is over.

==>

You spot a strange wobbly figure in the distance. 

...

... What the fuck was that?!

> Be the strange wobbly figure.

You cannot be the strange wobbly figure. Because it turns out that these are actually three figures in one. You can only be one of them.

  


* * *

> Be the base of the wobbly figure.

You are TAVROS NITRAM and you are ON YOUR WAY TO SCHOOL. Uh... despite how it looks like, you are NOT BEING CARRIED by YOUR SMALL FAIRY BULL LUSUS. You are really CARRYING YOUR CLASSMATE ON YOUR HEAD while your lusus ENSURES THAT HE DOES NOT FALL OFF. If it looks otherwise, it is due to the FAULT OF THE AUTHOR'S BAD DRAWING and not your unwillingness to help out. There is no way you would be a burden to THE LUSUS YOU ADORE SO MUCH!

Tonight, LIKE ALL REGULAR SCHOOL NIGHTS, your lusus and you go to school with your friend. Tonight, UNLIKE regular school nights, is the FIRST NIGHT OF SCHOOL. Meaning that when you waited and realised that your friend isn't going to turn up at your meeting place to go to school together, he must have FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT.

Your lusus and you went to his seaside house and find out that you WERE VERY RIGHT.

> Be past not-all-there wiggler.

...

Umm...

> Be past past not-all-there wiggler.

Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA. Tonight is a NORMAL NIGHT. You wake up and lick up the SOPOR SLIME COVERING YOU. Then you eat INSTANT GRUBMIX for breakfast. You could go out and catch a fish or something, but having JUST WOKEN UP makes fish-hunting DIFFICULT. Besides, FRESH FISH IS A MIRACLE reserved for NIGHTS WHEN YOUR LUSUS ACTUALLY COMES HOME.

You go out and play for a while. You ENJOY RUNNING AROUND ON THE BEACH. Or just lazing about in the sand. Sometimes, your MOTHERFUCKING BEST BUD comes over to play with you. You would lie about some more, but your CLOWN CARTOON SHOW is on TV and you don't want to miss it. So you go back to your hive to lie about until it starts.

The programme is finished. Before you know it, it is ALMOST SUNRISE and COCOONTIME. But something FEELS MISSING today. Were you supposed to go somewhere? (Tomorrow, yes.) Was your best bro supposed to come over? (He will.) IS SEAGOATDAD COMING TO SEE ME? (He should be, even if he isn't going to.)

Unwilling to sleep, you waited... snacked on sopor slime... waited... until you fell asleep.

> Be past Tavros.

Your friend Gamzee is asleep on floor. Why isn't he in his recuperacoon? You wonder, if you should go ahead to school first, and tell Mister Strider to come and get him.

But, it... doesn't seem very nice, to just leave, Gamzee lying there.

Besides, Miss Harley seems happy whenever you are nice to Gamzee. She would praise you and play with you and hug you.

You decide to carry Gamzee to school (with the help of your lusus).

> Be the Fairy Bull lusus.

You are TINKERBULL. You are not certain when, but it appears that YOU HAVE BECOME A LUSUS OF TWO WIGGLERS. The other NON-BROWNBLOOD WIGGLER does not seem to have a lusus? Or something. You are not entirely sure. You wonder if you can be his lusus too.

This is, kinda, um, a dilemma. While MORE WIGGLERS ARE MORE ADORABLE, but you are not sure about your ability to give them both equal affection. There was never a lusus with more than one wiggler, just orphaned wigglers.

You should probably consult another lusus for advice.

  


* * *

> Teachers: Take attendance

The bell sounds. Equius has just arrived with the new troll toddler Nepeta, so all six of Schoolfeeder John's students have been accounted for. But Coolteacher Dave is still missing two. Tavros is usually early... so did something happen?

Is Gamzee not here yet  
hey rose, are nitram and makara coming at all  
or do i have to go get them  
I believe they will be fine today, Dave. Don't worry, Equius, it appears that Mister Makara had just overslept.  
he is late on the first day of school? h33h33!  
Nepeta, it is rude to laugh at the highb100d  
... well thats just too bad  
(nepeta wasnt laughing at your furiend at all!! she is tickled to know that somekitty else is late too!)  
(He must have his rea%ons)  
Yes, unfortunately, your Class of Heat and Clockwork will be at full attendance today.  
nah ill be happy about that full class no problem

dave! you're not hoping for it to be like last year are you??!

Judging from how Dave still has his Strife Specibus out, it looks like that was the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk the consistency at which i will update this. no promises, sorry.


	12. Dave is a coolteacher (5)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's another bit of an epilepsy warning near the end.

[Flashback] Dave: What was last year like?

On the first night of school last year, you welcomed FIVE TROLL 4-YEAR-OLDS into your class (screw the sweeps thing, you are not using Alternian calendar). Wait... five? You can't deny that having ONE LESS SHARP-TOOTHED ALIEN KID in your class does make things easier for you, especially with that ONE-SIDED ZAHHAK-MEGIDO CONFRONTATION going on the entire night which ALMOST ended in one troll kid getting ACCIDENTALLY STRONGFLUNG OUT OF THE WINDOW had his ginormous horns not be in the way.

But obviously, your ~~meddler~~ responsible adult of a principal cannot leave that be, so you will just have to get that delinquent kid to come to school somehow.

jade  
you sure you informed all of those animalparent freaks about school?  
sure did!  
ummm...... i think i might have overestimated that goat animalparent???  
when i talked to him, he was okay with gamzee coming!  
but, it looks like him being okay doesnt mean he will send him to school...  
so well have to get him ourselves  
YEP!

You decide to do that later in the evening. It is already morning and you are still not used to this nocturnal shit.

  


[Flashback] ==>

By evening, one-and-a-half hour into the second night, you still only have five kids. Jade pops into your classroom.

mISS hARLEY! hI,  
hello class of heat and clockwork!!! hello tavros!  
sup  
whatre you kids doing now?  
in which players divine the representati0n of an illustrati0n with0ut any verbal cues  
pictionary  
OH! PICTIONARY!!!  
i love pictionary! its been a long while since i last played it!  
1 4M TH3 B3ST 4T 1T!  
wow really??  
No you are not  
Y3S 1 4M.  
Are not  
4M!  
Not  
whats it you want harley  
ah  
dave, ill be going to fetch gamzee makara to school, so get ready for one more!!!

Hold it right there. You just found your ticket out of this rumpusblock. Not going to let go of this chance now.

Is t)(at our new friend? Can't wait to get aquainted wit)( him!!  
say harley  
H1S LUSUS MUST B3 F3ROC1OUS!  
you wanna stay here and play pictionary with the kids  
He cannot be STRONGER than Aurthour  
while i go pick up makara from little alternia  
really??! i can do that???

Good job, Dave, you deserve an imaginary pat on the back from the future you.

sure why not  
just give me the directions and ill be there and back with the package like a flash  
okay!  
yOU,,, aRE GOING INTO lITTLE aLTERNIA,,, wITHOUT A LUSUS?  
i had one full night of practical lusus induction training  
teaching practicum conducted by cohac  
call me the honourary lusus dave now  
H33 H33 H33 D4V3LUSUS!  
commemorate the occasion with a white fullbody spandex  
Like a STRID-EB-EAST LUSUS!!  
hahahaha!!!  
i will tell rose to order one online!

You hope that Jade will not actually do that, although you suspect that Rose would somehow overhear that suggestion and implement it anyway. Damn girl has her psycho-majyyks everywhere.

  


[Flashback] ==>

You reach the outskirts of LITTLE ALTERNIA. The Police Security allow you to pass when you showed them your workplace ID. (Dave Strider. Skaia Garden - Troll Education Centre. Teaching Staff.) Having that ID is equivalent to being a BADASS WHO CAN TAKE ON A DOZEN TROLLS AT A TIME, or so says the security officer. You personally don't think you can actually take on twelve trolls, unless they were talking about twelve troll brats.

As you walk further in, you can feel the many eyes on you. Oh damn, it is night time and that's when trolls are all awake.

You came to the wrong neighbourhood, human coolteacher.

[Flashback] Dave: Stay cool.

You contemplate making a Kamina pose, but you realise that is more of YOUR BRO'S thing than yours. (Not that there was anything wrong with Kamina by the way, that guy is a true BADASS ANIKI.) You twitch internally as you remember that. You DO NOT HAVE GOOD MEMORIES of your Bro. Which is why you return that sword back into your ½bladekind strife deck.

okay sorry not here to strife  
see there half sword goes poof  
hands as empty as intestines with diarrhoea  
so yea  
just looking for a lost kid  
boy  
purple  
irresponsible lususparent probably  
or maybe just gives zero shits about human schoolfeeding  
well okay no one gives any shits about education ever  
except teachers themselves  
and some enthusiastic parents

As you ramble on, you note that the trolls, while armed and flashing their fangs at you, are NERVOUS AND WARY. They are all pre-pubescent while you, the hornless human, are an ADULT. Shit, now you feel like as asshole for thinking that you would ever need to go on the offence.

The trolls shift to let you pass. You hear a few lusii growl warnings to their wards or threats to you. You nod in thanks and follow your GPS to Makara's hive.

[Flashback] ==>

You find the hive quite easily. It is HUGE AND ISOLATED. And also EMPTY. Where could Gamzee Makara have gone to? You follow the trails of green slime droplets and footprints to the beach. There he is.

sup kid  
meet your teacher  
or as you guys say human schoolfeeder  
its mister strider to you  
hOnK.  
sChOoLfEeDiNg?  
you got that  
youve got schoolfeeding to go to tonight  
cmon lets go  
nO.  
i'M gOnNa StAy HeRe.  
dOn'T wAnT tO mIsS tHaT mIrAcLe.  
what miracle  
mY dAd. He'S a MiRaCle!  
hOnK!  
iF i Go, He WoN't KnOw ThAt I aM wAiTiNg FoR hIm.  
how longve you been waiting?

The boy starts counting on his fingers. He screws up the count halfway and restarts, then takes off his socks and shoes to continue the count.

kay a few hours  
got it  
nO.  
nIgHtS!

Okay fuck that. How has this kid been living all this while? His hive was for the most part, in good condition and well-stocked. Oh, the trolls have drones to do menial labour don't they. But you know that physical provisions cannot replace a guardian's presence.

... Shit. You don't know how to deal with this. What would Jade have done? (How did she talk to you?)

so  
you like miracles kid?  
...?  
whop  
up you go

You lift him up and swing him in a circle around you.

hOnK!  
hAhAhAhA wHaT wAs ThAt?  
a miracle called human powered merry go around  
mY lUsUs DiD tHaT bEfOrE!  
pUlLeD mE oUt Of ThE wAtEr WhEn A hUnGrY sEa BeAsT wAs ChAsInG mE.  
tHeN hE pLuNkEd Me BaCk InTo My HiVe, AnD lEfT aS qUiCkLy As He ShOwEd Up.  
...  
that sounds like fun  
him carrying you not that part about him leaving  
hOnK! yEs!  
iT wAs FuN.  
tHe SeA iS aN aMaZiNg MiRaClE!  
yknow what kid  
you dont got to be in the sea for miracles to happen  
i can swing you as many times as you like  
no wait scratch that i mean as many times until my arms says no  
...?  
all you have to do is come to the schoolfeeding carnival  
three miracles available all night  
premium hugs from the harley booth  
lengthy storytime at the lalonde freakshow  
swings round and round with the strider ride  
comes with complementary taxi service back here before dawn  
guaranteed no glass slippers will be lost  
a CaRnIvAl!  
so  
you up for it?  
hOnK!

[Flashback] Be the amazed troll wiggler.

The troll in front of you is weird. A part of you recalls Seagoatdad telling you that ADULTS ARE DANGEROUS. But this adult has no horns and also comes in a strange pink-white colour. This makes him look somewhat like a lusus? (A lusus who wears troll clothes?) Did he lose his troll somewhere? It seems that he wants to be your lusus?

You are unsure of what the adult-like lusus wants of you. It is FUN TO CARRIED BY HIM, so it should be okay to follow him to the place he calls SCHOOLFEEDING CARNIVAL!

[Flashback] ==>

The two of you get on the Schoolfeeding Lusus' motorised two-wheel vehicle and travel through to a hivestem estate. The lightshow informs you of the regularly unscheduled inter-lusus tournament going on again.

...  
wOaH sO mAnY mIrAcLeS...  
yea  
definitely a miracle how you kids and your parents dont obliterate the continent every weekend

[Flashback] Davelusus: Defend.

You cannot really defend much against dumb psychic animals.

[Flashback] Davelusus: Auto-Parry.

You do the coolest acrobatic non-pirouette of maneuvers to avoid all of the aggrievations.

You DEFLECT THE FINAL STRAY PSYBEAM with your ½sword in a BADASS FINISHING MOVE, lens-flare and all that jazz.

[Flashback] Gamzee: Learn new favourite word.

aw hell yes  
stage cleared motherfuckers  
mOtHeRfUcKeRs!  
did  
did you just say what i heard  
hOnK, mOtHeRfUcKeR.  
oh shit  
i mean  
fuck  
arrgh  
dont say that in front of harley  
please no

[Flashback] Dave: Acquire Self-Censorship.

As much as you were hoping against all the ~~motherfucking~~ optimistic hopes that Gamzee will forget the bad language you let slipped, your colleagues HEAR IT THE VERY MINUTE you arrive at school with him.

It is good to see you here, Mister Makara.  
I take it that your travel here was accompanied by a good entertainment system.  
the best yea  
yEa MoThErFuCkEr!  
hey now makara what did i say about letting that word slip out from your innocent babe lips  
nO fUcKs In FrOnT oF hArLeY-sEnSeI, rIgHt?  
Hmm.  
It looks like your travel attendant's safety demonstration did not go through to you.  
daaaavve!!!!!  
he didnt learn that from me  
hOnK!  
that was def also not learnt from me  
dave you get back in class now!!!

Harley docks a dollar from your pay every time she hears Gamzee using that word.

~~Fuck your life.~~ You are going to have to learn how to use teacher-appropriate language from now on, and receive that "Child-friendly vocabulary" badge on your Kiddie Camper Handysash.

  


* * *

> Dave: Start class!

Like Rose has said, your two last students arrive, and Jade brings them in.

okay class of heat and clockwork  
year 2 commences now  
Glub yes!  
CLASS COMM--ENC-ES!!  
AW Y3S!  
... Good evening Gamzee  
...  
hi tavr0s!  
hI, aRADIA,  
(...hOnK.)  
(oH, gAMZEE, uHH, YOU ARE FINALLY, AWAKE,,,)  
have a good day, everyone!!  
You too, Miss Harley!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (this is a bit uncomfortable to write: In which two people with similar childhood backgrounds meet. Wanted to go through this quickly, yet it feels that if it was too short it won't give the situation justice. Seagoatdad has issues. Even having a intellectually-disabled Bicyclopsdad as a lusus would be better.)
> 
> This is still a sort-of fan adventure (as hiatus-y as it is), so i'd like some feedback on what kindergarten shenanigans you would like to see! So yea, suggestions welcome =))


End file.
